Clarity from a Facebook joke…….or not.

You’re in a mental hospital. Use first 6 on friend list of profile……

That’s the start of a Facebook joke. There have been several like it, including one about a pirate ship that was pretty funny.

However, I especially liked this one. If I thought about why at all, I first thought that it was maybe because I worked in the field of mental health.

Then I realized that it was because this one actually has more potential to really happen in my life. I’m probably never gonna be a pirate on a ship, but I so could be in a mental hospital.

This week so far has been one that has shown me that. I got very overwhelmed and thought about my disconnections with my family (brothers, sisters in law, nieces, nephews……not more distant cousins, actually, had to clarify in case any read this) on Sunday night, after talking about my mom’s birthday. I wrote a semi-crazed note to the one niece who was sort of actually talking to me. Bless her, she answered, or I might already be living that joke.

I had already put one of my Monday patients on an every other week schedule. She lives so far away, and she really can do with only every other week. Besides, I don’t want to be the only person she has in her life and am encouraging her to seek some other safe, appropriate outlets. But, then one had to cancel because of finances, which was completely understandable. One canceled because, well, that tends to be her. Her excuses change, and then she is demanding when she does want therapy and calls repeatedly at times. Did see one family, and that’s one that could have a status on Facebook of “it’s complicated” even in the world of mental health/adult foster care, etc.

Didn’t get in touch with one mom this week, so didn’t go to one appointment I thought I was going to have. Did see two yesterday. Saw one of my favorite little ones today, too, but I still need to complete her Tricare paperwork. She just got off Medicaid. Of course, it’s not like I’ve had a few weeks to put in a request to be one of their providers.

I have been all screwed up sleep-wise. Not unusual for me, as mentioned before, but it’s often worse in summer. I’m really “feeling” the whole summer thing now. So hot and dry here in Texas. Just miserable. Took some pain meds because the little girl today used me as a climbing platform, and I didn’t realize how much it was hurting my shoulder. Oh, this after not making it to the fax place soon enough to pick up my authorizations so I can bill for two different patients from last week. I needed to do that because it is urgent I make a car payment. Among many payments.

So, I slept. I slept a couple of hours after eating a salad, a bunch of frozen fruit bars, and some yogurt. Did I mention I was hot? I woke up. I expected maybe I’d be up a bit later because of sleeping early, even though I’m behind on sleep even for me this week.

I got a bit of incentive. I stopped being just “pissed” because it was hot. I thought maybe I’d accomplish something. I sat down and talked to a few friends.

I looked at the clock. It was 3AM. Nothing accomplished. No “must do last week” notes, no application, no blog entry,no bath even. I had a great idea for a blog entry, too, but no time to really write that one.

I’ve not only been tired this week, but the “blah” of depression has me in a big grip. The heat is not helping, but I’ll just spend hours sitting, trying to figure out what to do, doing things that are not just unimportant but even uninteresting. Just taking forever to do anything. Between the depression and the fibro, which is also acting up, it can be really hard to function. It seems so silly. You “just” get up and do whatever needs to be done. But, with energy zapped and the brain foggier, that is something that just doesn’t happen. I’m spending most of the day feeling like I’m recovering from the flu (fibro) and hating myself for it (depression) that I can’t get the simplest things done. I can’t remember the simplest things, even if they are on my giant to-do list. Even if they were on the short one I had for today, to try to get myself to be successful.

I made it to do therapy, and I was reasonably “present” for that girl today. I knew what she was playing out and trying to cope with. I could talk with her parents about it.

I did speak like a normal person to a new patient’s relative to schedule, and I remembered scheduling even without my book.

But, the rest of the time, I was just a mess of stops and starts, of not being able to finish stuff or even start stuff. I seem to be avoiding sleep, too.

What’s it like to be a therapist who also has her own mental health issues as well as fibro thrown on top? Well, it’s a bit like this blog. But, with racing thoughts on top of that about random things. I’m sure you’ll see that in another post!

It is why the Facebook joke that starts out. “You’re in a mental hospital. Use first 6 on friend list of profile……” seems so funny and even appropriate for me today.

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~ by Janice Holladay on August 25, 2011.

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