The Answer.

It was supposed to be private, that first letter. And, I actually was supposed to tell my truth, at least that version of it. I suppose the answer is private, too, but might as well put it out there. My emotions are in turmoil as I try to face this all, and I need to move forward not just through a book but into my life.

Dear Darling Nameless Searching One,

You don’t know why I came? I take up space, but I came to give you space. I came to keep a clamoring world a bit at bay so that you could have a moment of peace. I grew so large so that you would have a safe space in which to grow yourself. You wanted to hide away, to read and think and grow. I gave you some of that opportunity to do so because you would not, could not, take it for yourself.

I know you are Nameless and Searching, trying to find the “you” that fits. I was the defensive end, the one who covered your ass literally, so that you could begin to work your magic.

I did come born of sickness as well, but I’m a clear visual reminding you that you need to find a way to care for your health. You want so much. You want to be so much and do so much. You cannot if you are not healthy. You will ignore headaches and even try working when you are throwing up, but you will stay home instead of going out to play because you are fat. I know you’re scared of not having money, and that often you don’t. You’re scared of everything, and I keep it all away.

I protect you, give you space to grow, and let you know that you need to focus on your health if you are ever to become who you are meant to be.

By the way, you will discover your true name, and soon.

I sometimes resent you because you got so much attention once upon a time. I would really like some of that attention, but I know that until you can take time and space for yourself, you need me. You might be a person who just needs more time and space than most. You are, after all, more of an introvert than people realize. You’ve had me to help you remain that way. I’ve loved you and hated you, but I’ve always protected you.

You are tired and not listening to this body of your today. Go get something to help your runny nose. Go eat something healthy and satisfying. Go do something even though the sun has set.

I’ll always be here, but I won’t always need to physically take up space in order for you to carve out space for yourself. I won’t always need to be so in your face about taking cafe of your health. Who cares if you don’t work hours as long as others? You have to find a way to take care of yourself, appreciate yourself, and know you are enough.

I’m kind of a joke, but not a fat joke. the joke is that if you don’t feel like you are “enough,” I am a visible reminder that you are more than enough. When you no longer need that, you won’t see it manifested the same way. Know, in that stubborn heart of yours, that you are enough.

I know you have been abandoned over and over. Being big keeps people at bay. It also keeps others engaged. You take up so much space in their lives that they aren’t going to forget about you. Yet, they do. You don’t have to physically take up that space, and you can also make sure to give them their own space. Give what you need to receive, but also give what that person needs if their needs are different from yours.

Love me, hate me, whatever. I’m hard to be indifferent about. So are you. You don’t see that about yourself, but it’s true. I’ll be here as long as you need me, and I’ll physically manifest as long as you need that visual. (Remember, you learn better auditorily, so this may take some time.) Just, deal with me. Love me, if and when you can. Recognize that I’ve kept relationships away, but that you needed that. I kept you safe. I also reminded you over and over to take care of yourself. That one has not been as successful. Go do that now.

Love from Fat Me.


~ by Janice Holladay on November 28, 2011.

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