Is this what crazy feels like?

My body aches, tension just moving from place to place. My heart rate races. My stomach churns a bit. My brain, well, it’s moving like you cannot imagine. Unless you happen to have anxiety or whatever it is that seems to be rampaging through my mind.

There are so many things I need to do for work. I don’t know how to do a lot of those things, and there isn’t anyone to ask. I’ve asked my own therapist how he learned all the business stuff for his practice, and he’s indicated that it was from making a lot of calls to insurance companies and making a lot of mistakes. Well, it seems I’ve done some of that. Just not enough. I have to figure out how to work through all these systems and companies and agencies, all these government entities with their contractors and subcontractors and subsubcontractors. It makes no sense. They rattle off terms and words and acronyms. They don’t explain any of it when I talk to them, but I honestly don’t think any of them know more than their little piece of the puzzle. Well, except for maybe the guy I suspect outright lied to me today, stating that ALL my Medicaid patients were going to be forced to pick an insurance company soon. When I call whoever it is that I bill for them now (is it a private company or some government thing? Not a clue. Truly.), they take a list of my patients’ Medicaid numbers and say that, for most of them, they won’t be switching. Well, unless they call and ask to have change. Changing program or whatever does not really change benefits. If they do, I have to be a provider for that company. I might not even know which company until after I’ve seen them, so more free sessions for Medicaid. It won’t change their services nor will it change what I get paid, but it will require a huge amount of mystery paperwork.

That’s the problem. The mystery paperwork. It’s on a “to do” list, but it’s not something I really know how to do. I don’t know who to ask. I don’t know how to start. I’m going to try having an assistant, but I don’t know whether finding out all those types of answers is something that someone without a lot of experience can do.

Then, there is the “grow your business” crap. I need to figure out how to fix some student loan stuff so I can go back to get certified to be a Life Coach. What do I need to do? It’s a letter to someone about something. Then, find a program or a class or something. Oh, and figure out if I can do therapy online. Is it ethical? Well, I know it is. But, will my licensing board allow me to do it? How about phone counseling? I know it’s effective, but can I do it? How do I go about doing it?

How do I get credentialed to be a provider from other insurance companies? What about the people I see that were supposed to be just Medicaid but that I never get paid for seeing because they have other insurance? I can’t drop them for ethical reasons, and I’m scrambling to try to find a way to get all that set up so I can get paid. I need to call them, fill out more paperwork, etc.

How do I get Dragon set up on my computer? There isn’t enough room. Will it work on an external hard drive? I need to do this because I have to be able to do my notes more effectively. I am late with notes again. I need to get stuff for a judge. I need to call a teacher. I need to ……fill in the blank.

Personal? I have a house that is a wreck. I’m trying to buy a bed. I need to fix up a bedroom and stop sleeping in the living room on an air mattress. I need to find a way to get money so Lilith can get acupuncture. I need to be writing in my Daily Pages everyday and working on the two different self-help books that I have prioritized.

I worry about my family and how they have such disconnected relationships. I worry about my friends. I worry about every person I know on FB and every dog I see that comes across the screen. I worry about big political issues and environmental issues and hurting the feelings of my friends when I don’t do things they suggest.

I want to be different. I think about how I wanted to change things about myself. I wanted to be a better person. I still do.

I’m tired of not being healthy. I’m tired of being a mess. I’m tired of me.

Now, for the brain part. All this. All this, and so, so much more is going through my head. People tell me to do one thing at a time, but I can’t. I can’t choose. I forget important things. I have small and huge “to-do” lists. I try to pick one thing to do, but it’s hard to know which is most important. One thing will make a difference, maybe, to a family of four small children, and it needs to be done now. One thing will get me authorization to see a patient, to get paid maybe. Another thing will enable me to bill over time. Another thing will help me lose the weight I want to lose and maybe help me be healthier. I can’t choose.

I took a couple of those interesting “tests” online a few years back. It was about attention and focus. I can pay attention to something, give it my all. In fact, I love doing that. I do it when I have a great project. As long as it doesn’t go too far, it can even be a good thing for me. But, I can’t figure out where my attention needs to go. That’s what the test said.

That’s because it needs to go EVERYWHERE! How will I ever BE anything or DO anything if I don’t do all this and much, much more? I feared getting “old” when I was 12 and thought I was running out of time to be a child. It panicked me. I had an anxiety attack thinking about it. Now, age is even a bigger factor. It’s a big birthday this year, and I don’t want the rest of my life to be characterized by the same mistakes and crap that the first part has been. I feel the time crunch even more.

I remember this “anxious” feeling often as a child. I remember feeling it, sitting in the car, on the way to ballet. I remember it when family came to visit. I feel so disconnected right now. I talk to people, people I love and enjoy, and I almost feel as if I can’t “touch” them. I laugh, but not all the way. I try to fake it through.

All the while, this prattle in my head. Throw in all sorts of odd facts and “interesting” information about, well, pick a topic. It just goes on and on.

Is this anxiety?

My therapist often says if I had 20 fewer IQ points, I’d be happier. I tell him I’ll try to get “dumb” really quickly. It might be part of what goes on. I have a very active mind. I would have that anyway. I want it to stay that way, but not to the point that it is out of control. I want an active, thoughtful mind. But, this goes so far beyond that. It goes to the point of being just crazy.

This is annoying to write about. I just want to give you a glimpse, a very tiny glimpse, of what it’s like to live inside my head. My very noisy head. I know that it’s the anxiety and the depression. I know that the “fibro fog” makes it all so much worse. It makes it even harder to make decisions, to remember important things, to think through things.

I need to be myself, but I need to be a healthy self. I love my friends, my chiropractor, everyone for their suggestions. They want me to “do one thing at a time.” They try to help me realize I don’t have to do it all, but I do. It’s my only life, and only I can make it better. Only I can change it all. Isn’t that what we’re told? If I want to be a different, a better person, I better get on it. If I want all those dreams, those really big ones, the ones I barely even tell anyone about, to come true, I HAVE to change, and change quickly. I don’t know how to quiet the noise in my head. I don’t know how to stop my body from aching and twitching and hurting as ripples of tension run through my nerves, my muscles, further making my health a problem.

Live in my head for a moment. Or, maybe you already do. It feels like there could be an entire world in there, rattling around, telling me what to do. But, I only hear part of what they say. I can’t get it all in. I can’t get all the information together. I want to be…….me. Whoever that is. I want to be active and healthy and happy and whole. I want to contribute to the world and have relationships and experience love. I want to have quiet in my head, at least for a time. Even my dreams make me crazy. I wake up, full of information about the dreams. Not necessarily bad, but exhausting. The dreams make me tired. They don’t resolve anything. It all just continues to spin.

I can’t even shut it off when I write. I can’t wrap it all up in a neat package.

Anxiety. An overly busy mind that isn’t busy in a productive way, but just spins out of control.

Then, I go to work. I have to quiet the noise, at least a bit. I used to be able to do it at other times, now it seems I can only really do it with my patients. I put the rattling of my mind to the side, and I pick up theirs. I listen, letting my “crap” fall away as I pick up the “crap” from my patients. I try to think how to help them. I try to listen. I usually remember all sorts of little details from things they’ve said and done, even years ago. I try to exhibit being “present” and really paying attention. Do I fail at times? Of course. And, some patients are much more difficult than others. But, when I walk in their door, I tell myself to focus on them. I whisper a prayer. I often do turn off, or at least down, the chatter. However, I carry their “stuff” with me. I can remember the name of some kid’s boyfriend or someone’s childhood cat or notice that they avoid certain subjects all the time. I remember and process things in their life, but it seem to take up space needed for my own life. That’s why I need an assistant of some sort. But, they are going to have to do some mind-reading of their own. They are going to have to be able to anticipate what I need. They are going to have to be pro-active. That’s going to be the hard part.

So, when you tell me to “do one thing at a time,” it’s like that doesn’t register for me. It makes no sense. I’ve too often done more than one thing at a time, and I used to be good at it. Now, with that life clock ticking away, it’s hard to allow myself the luxury of slowing down, and yet it’s as if I’m just spinning in the mud and muck of my life.

I don’t have a solution right now. Better meds? That would maybe help. But, that gets into the lack of insurance and the need to find a new psychiatrist, probably a decent drive away because not many good ones seem to be around here. That alone is a huge hill to climb. How to find one, know that they will be good and not waste my time and my money? How to afford one?

I need some help. I had a good friend pray with me about this, but that peace that seems to come to her seems to elude me. Elude me entirely. I don’t “get” that peace. I don’t know that I ever have. I don’t think I had it even as a child. My head was pretty full then. At times, I remember depression and anxiety. There were other times when my head was clearer and when I could accomplish soooo much. I was a rock star at times. I was amazing. How I did all that, I don’t know.

Maybe I can sleep. Maybe this helped get a bit of it out of my head. Maybe. Just a little. I want to be. To BE. To BECOME someone, myself, someone I’d be proud of. How to get there? The simple, and good, advice I’m given doesn’t work easily with my crazy head. I don’t comprehend it. I don’t know how to pick the one thing to do. And, what if I’m wrong? What if I pick the wrong thing?

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~ by Janice Holladay on February 16, 2012.

One Response to “Is this what crazy feels like?”

  1. I see you.

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