Unexpected Day Off.

I really ought to……fill in that blank. Literally. As I even read that sentence, I recognize that my life is filled with blanks that I have never filled in. There are things I have never done and wanted to do. There are the things that I “should” be doing to improve myself and my situation. The problem is, with the way my mind works lately, I can’t seem to focus on any one thing on my endless “to do” lists, even on the fun stuff. I had several cancellations today, so I had a day almost entirely freed up. I caught up a bit on Facebook, and that I don’t think of as a waste of time because I have made some great friends there and learned a lot from other people. But, when I’m reading the same posts over and over because I can’t figure out what to do next, well, that’s a problem.

One thing on my to do list is to keep up with my blog. I wanted to really get into writing, at least when I started this thing. I thought I could maybe take it and do “something” with it, but I think that my enthusiasm has waned. I don’t seem to feel as confident. I don’t feel like what I have to say will really be interesting or make any sort of difference.

I recognize that as my depression. It’s so insidious. It seems to steal the joy out of the simplest things, like an unexpected “free day.” I instead feel guilty and angst ridden. Now, to be honest, I would probably do a bit of the angst thing even when not in a true-blue depression. But, the whole no confidence thing? That part is newer. I’m trying to move into new areas with my business in the next year and in my life. I’m pulling in information and am just overloaded right now. I need to sort through it all. But, with this impetus to do something new, to make the changes I’ve wanted to make all my life, I am sunk down in the mud of a depression. Not now, I want to cry out. I can’t be bothered with depression. I have things to do! I have a life I want to live, to fully live! Yet, that depression is still there. It’s really caused me to doubt myself.

I have friends who tell me I can do amazing things, that I am talented and capable. But, I don’t see it right now. I don’t feel it right now. I feel like I’m running out of words, and I never run out of words. There don’t seem to be words to really express what I feel. I feel like I am not only lost but a loser, someone who hasn’t earned her way into anything important, someone who doesn’t have what it takes.

I’m so tired. I’m trying a new medicine. Well, revisiting an old one actually. I feel a bit different, but the depression hasn’t really lifted yet. I’m a bit lighter, but I’m more out of sorts and feel more disconnected to myself and my life.

And, I just write today because I have today. I promised myself I’d start to write, that I’d even write about the depression. Maybe knowing what it’s like on the inside can help someone.

I know what my patients feel when they are depressed. The hard thing is, sometimes I can almost feel it with them.

This sucks. This….this entry. It’s no good. But, it’s done. So, there. I did do something today. Fuck off, stupid annoying thoughts about how imperfect I am……..

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~ by Janice Holladay on December 6, 2012.

3 Responses to “Unexpected Day Off.”

  1. The important thing is that you write and you are trying to break free of the depression. I write because I am always on my computer for work, so when an idea hits, I just pop over to my blog. On my days off, there is so much I want to get done, but usually don’t. Mostly it’s cleaning. I get some of it done, but never complete my “to do” list. It’s the fact of life – so much to do, not enough time or energy. Take care.

  2. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!!

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