Pain Calls Me Home

Pain calls me home every, every day. I’m pulled out of my mind, back into my body on a regular basis. By nature, I tend to be a bit dreamy, focusing on things I want to manifest in my future, thinking about that future Self that I want so much to be. I read about being “in the moment” and how important that can be to a rich, meaningful life. I recognize that all I have is right now, all I am is here already. Yet, I yearn. I think in some ways, that is just the natural state of my heart. I try to “be in the moment” when I meditate or pray, but that is very difficult for me. Research would indicate that meditating and praying can be helpful in relieving pain, yet they are hard for me to do much of the time.

Yet, it’s that same body that calls to me, that pulls me back to reality as it is right now. Because of the fibromyalgia, my nerves are just incredibly sensitive. I try to exercise, going to Zumba even because I love dance. My feet hit the floor, and waves of pain ripple through me. My Achilles tendons and ankles hurt with every step, especially when I first get out of the car. My upper back is screaming right this very minute because I am not sitting “right” for it, but unless this computer was hanging upside down, I don’t think there is a “right” way to write. I can’t sleep because of the pain. I can’t focus on much of anything lately. I wonder why I seem particularly unable to focus this last week or so; then I realize that I’ve been in quite a bit of pain lately. And, it’s pain that doesn’t get relieved. It’s pretty much constant. It’s there, keeping me from sleeping and greeting me when I finally awake. A times, it’s so domineering that it even wakes me before the alarm. I hurt when I go out dancing. Yep. The entire time. My feet, my ankles, my calves, all the way up and through my body. Pain. It radiates. Yesterday, the acupuncturist put a needle in my ankle, and the sensation flew through me all the way up my neck before it calmed down the nerves in the ankle for a few hours. It’s all this big, connected system of pain pathways and highways. Super highways.

If pain does nothing, it dims the view of the next moments, much less the next hours or days even. Forget planning for the future and carrying out those plans. Pain is “now.” That’s all it’s about. This moment. If I can get through this moment. I’m so tired of thinking that, of living like that. Life can’t be about getting “through.” It has to be about more than that, or what’s the point? This kind of “in the moment” thinking does not bring joy and peace, but it does focus the mind. At times, that call back to my body, to my home, actually can be a good thing. At least that’s how I am trying to reframe it for myself. I can’t worry about all the “what ifs” of many tomorrows if I am trying to just make it through the next few minutes, and then the next, and so on. I have to focus on just what I’m doing now. I can’t remember to feed the dogs or wash my face if I’m lost in tomorrow, but that pain makes it hard to get up and do anything. It makes everything an effort. It steals away brain cells, I swear, to think about just how to do the simplest things. I have to “try” to do everything, even routine things. I feel like I’m pulling myself through each minute of my life. Low crawling through tasks and even through work and on to “fun” things I know I’ll enjoy and that will be “good” for me. That’s my life much of the time.

Pain has its gifts. It alerts us to trouble within the system. It warns us of dangers and allows us to make safer choices. It is self-preserving in many ways. Although my pain is run amok, I still want it to serve a purpose. I won’t pretend that I’m even buying all this crap. Really. I won’t. But, maybe if even a little corner of my mind buys into the fact that pain is teaching me all about “in the moment,” then it can become useful. Maybe I can even learn to meditate, to heal myself, to move towards recovery from something that is supposed to be only a progressive, misunderstood illness.

Let me stop and tell you this. I don’t believe that “god” or any other force “gives” us an illness. I don’t believe even that “god” “allows” illness because it is such a horrid thing to bear. It blocks out way more light in my life than it brings. Trust me on this. However, if it’s here and likely not going away any time soon, I might as well learn from it. I might as well beat it at its own game and learn something from it rather than letting it define and destroy me.

So, my pain and I will be over here, being in the moment. I might not be able to pay attention to you because it’s screaming at me to listen to it. And, so I do. It reminds me that all I have is right here, right now. I hate that this moment is filled with pain, but I am grateful for this moment anyway. I won’t pretend I’m not incredibly angry, wanting to just stop and curse at fibro, at all the gods, at everyone and everything because this pain sucks. I don’t want my thoughts, though, to be lost on any reader, and I know the “language” running through my head might cause that. (Although it makes me feel just fine and dandy!) So, I’ll tell you my anger at it is huge and primitive. I’ll tell you further that pain will give up its lessons and at the same time not be allowed to become a definition of me, the story of my life. The story of my life is being written by me daily, not by my pain. I’m not yet triumphant. Not yet.

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One Response to “Pain Calls Me Home”

  1. Wow, I didn’t realize you had a blog. Pretty powerful stuff there. I’ll be back to check out more.

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