Begin again, and again, and again….

A lesson I am trying to learn in my own life is to begin again. And, again. How often do I have to be at this place? Whether it’s a diet or a blog, it seems I get sidetracked. Life interrupts. And, not necessarily “life” in any sort of fun way. Life as in how do I pay the light bill or the water bill, what do I have to get done for work, how do I fix this mess, how do I deal with this crisis my friend is having? Depression, anxiety, fibro all block my progress. I get so hurt by other people, by their cruelty and attempts to control me, but their fear of me even. Assumptions made that hurt. Old wounds opened. Struggling with mental illness is a huge one that gets in the way, that blocks the flow. It all gets in the way. It means I have to start again, and again. I have to recognize that the pace continues. I get off track. But, I have to get back on. It’s sort of like jumping rope as a kid. Standing there, watching the rope being spun, sensing the rhythm, moving your body to it, getting up your courage, and jumping on in. It’s a lesson I’m trying to teach myself and my patients. It’s a lesson that I have to begin again. Once again, with this blog, I’ve let something important slip. I’m standing at the side, nervous, stomach in a knot, not sure I can jump in again. Sometimes it’s harder to start again then to start the first time. That first time is dumb luck. But, once we’ve screwed up, at least once I’ve screwed up, it’s remarkably hard to get up the courage, to find the rhythm, to take the risk.

~ by Janice Holladay on November 5, 2011.